we're blogging at a bar
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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