who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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