that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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