How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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