his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
