Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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