I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
