i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
