You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
