my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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