I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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