I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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