Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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