I just threw up on my dentist
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
