how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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