Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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