did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
