you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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