You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
