I'm going to jail i love you
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
