Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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