I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
