its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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