Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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