I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
