my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
