im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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