Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am one with the molecules
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
