Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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