....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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