Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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