So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
