I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
