I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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