zippers are such a cool invention
Four minutes until I can fart!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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