I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
