I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Randomize
