I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My vagina is officially offended.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
