at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
