what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
wow bdsm is so cute
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
