I just made out with a guy for $7.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The beer is more important than you right now.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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