When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
