I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
