she looked like the before picture.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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