I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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