Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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