i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
