do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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