sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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