And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
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