Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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